I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
