I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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