her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
