I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
