I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
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Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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