So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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