either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
