normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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