First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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