I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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