Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
