he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
