I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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