Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
