NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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