So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
