she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
