scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
