she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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