i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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