Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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