I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
