wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
