He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
