The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
