Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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