i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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