were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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