i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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