Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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