I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
