You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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