I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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