I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
