So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
