I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
