my mouth tastes like poor choices
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
