youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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