I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
