The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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