can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
