we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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