my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
