last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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