That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
