Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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