there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
