May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
