The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
