I'm going to jail i love you
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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