You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
