Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
MIDGETS
????
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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