Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
