Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.