im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.